With Chinelo Nwangene
Dealing with ‘when are you getting married?’ pressure
The 2018 Easter holiday may have come and gone but it certainly leaves behind memories that may linger for a while or last a life time in the lives of many people. Formany lucky spinsters who got married this Easter and would be proceeding for honeymoon, it was a season of bliss and triumph. But there are thousands of other ladies who witnessed or attended traditional or church wedding ceremonies across Nigeria during this Easter period who dreamed, prayed, fasted, and even plotted to be amongst those spinsters that walked down the aisle this Easter, but for inexplicable reasons, they are still awaiting their own wedding moments.
Many had waited for years, attended different prayeror deliverance programmes,employed all kinds of tricks to secure a marriage partner, to no avail. Already, family members and friends, who had expected you, as their sister or daughter, to bring home a man for marriage, had started asking you questions. The pressure is building on you, as your biological clock ticks past 30.
Feeling pressured to get married and start a family is still a regular phenomenon in this part of the world that, more often, the embattled spinster ends up picking the wrong partner for marriage out of desperation to quit the spinsterhood. Our investigation reveals that most ladies all over the country usually come under increasing pressure to choose a life partner as soon as they pass their teen age. And the pressure keeps building when most of their childhood friends getmarried. For such persons, Easter and Christmas seasons areusually nightmarish. As they come home, they are expected to break the good news to parents and siblings. It becomes an emotional battle when your younger sister eventually marries ahead of you and you are actively involved in the wedding planning and executions.
Some parents don’t hide their opinion to their daughters regarding their expectations to bring home a man for marriage. Some mothers would not mind telling their daughter, at the slightest provocation: ‘all your mates are getting married and bringing their parents good fortune while you are busy buying Asoebi to attend their wedding. Are you not ashamed?’ ‘You keep bringing gifts from wedding; when shall we share yours?
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Are you one of those ripe single ladies whose inability to find a husband has started attracting nervous glances, questioning and even threats from parents, siblings and friends? Do you feel growing pressure that your mates, whom you started dating experience, had all married with kids while you are still waiting for Mr. Right? Do you feel like losing your cool when someone popped such embarrassing questions like: ‘when are you getting married?’
Well, the good news is that there are ways to overcome such pressure and even feel comfortable with your unmarried relationship status.
Don’t put pressure on yourself
The pressure that husband-seeking ladies put on themselves is worse. Instead of allowing the fact that you are yet to settle down to weigh you down, it should be a motivation for you that you are just waiting for the best man and best time.
You can actually turn the pressure into motivation by focusing your attention and energy on what you love about your life and getting the best out of it rather than worrying about what you don’t have. You are certainly not likely to control when you’re going to be in a relationship, but you can improve your dating performance when you approach it with open mind, maturity and determination to learn and enjoy yourself. If there are things in your life that need to change, it’s equally important to work on that rather than thinking that you would do the same thing all over again and achieve different results.
Be comfortable and happy
The most important thing is to try your best to be comfortable and be happy with where you are in your life at that moment. And you definitely want to send out vibes that you are a happy, confident person. Even though your life might not be fully where you want it to be, try the best you can to accept the situation and make your life as good as it can be.
Avoid Toxic relationship
Many ladies are scared to end a relationship that’s not working out of fear of being alone and not meeting someone. And of course that’s not a good reason to be in a relationship that is not adding value to your life. The only reason to be in a relationship, and to carry forth in a relationship, is that the person is meeting the majority of your needs; you feel that’s a healthy and happy relationship and you’re both good for each other. Above all, you feel that he earnestly desires you and is open to spending his lifetime with you. But if you don’t have that, if you think you’re in an unhealthy relationship but you’re staying with someone out of the fear of a breakup, or that you’re never going to meet anyone, or that you hate dating so much, that’s bad. And that would add to your pressure, because you are postponing the doom.
The earlier you call it quits and move on with the determination to give another person a chance, the better.Remember, even after ending a toxic relationship, you can still go onto a new one just being cautious and it still works out for you. Just quit and start on a clean slate because no two persons or relationships are the same. Remember, the more you keep delaying to quit, the older you get. There is no wasting time with that guy you know is not ready to take you to the altar or give you fulfilled relationship.
Know who you talk to
Be open to only those who are generally interested in your welfare and not those that will tell anyone how frustrated you are about losing one guy or rejecting suitors. Seek the opinion of people that generally can be of help in either introducing you to a prospective groom or give you good counsel on your search.Associate with those who can be of help in your life- partner searcher expose you to the right set of guys or event that can sell you.Most often your circle of friends, the places you hang out or programmes you attend, or did not, can make the difference.For example church activities, career development seminars or even official assignments can be veritable platforms to meet your partner, in addition to social functions like weedings.
Be proud of your status
Don’t feel shy or embarrassed when people ask you “are you married?” Tell them with confidence and smile that you are single and would soon marry. Regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not, always remain positive about your chances of marriage soon. The truth is: you can marry sooner than that next girl that’s already wearing engagement ring, if an opportunity meets preparedness.
Apart from confessing that you would marry soon, you also need to pray on that and believe in it. And remember to finish the conversation by asking the person whether he or she is married yet and to shed more light on the person’s relationship status, especially if he or shethinks they are in a better position than you.
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Make advance plans
Instead of dwelling so much on why you are not yet married while others are, focus your energy on making solid plans for your future. Begin to prepare yourself towards becoming a better wife, mum and daughter-inlaw than those that are already ahead of you. Study the mistakes others are making and develop your own strategies for your own success. There’s nothing wrong in even making advance plans of how many kids you will have, how you will have them and other things.
Improve yourself
You can turn the pressure into motivation by focusing on improving your personality, career and even physical appearance. Anything that you think is not giving you an extra edge in the competitive marriage market can be upgraded.
Move on from the past
Many spinsters have failed to recognise the future partner when they see them because they still live in the shadows of their past failed relationship(s). Do not dwell on your past.Move on. Don’t carry the burden of past heartbreaks or disappointments. It will weigh you down and limit your chances of opening up to and relating well to a new lover. The only thing you can draw from the past is lesson.
Open your heart
Some ladies are stuck because they have extreme conditions or qualities their dream spouse must have before they can accept marriage offers. Keep your conditions as simple and flexible as possible and do not restrict yourself to certain qualities or conditions as some of the things you hate maybe what your God-made spouse may have plus other good qualities. All those stuffs like my husband must be rich, taller than me, a graduate, born-again Christian or come from a certain tribe or state should not be rigid.
Consult God
In everything we do, it’s important to seek God’s face and consent first.Always take every marriage proposal to God and ask Him(God) for signs and when you do, don’t play God by allowing your emotions to dictate. Ask God to send forth your life partner at the most acceptable time and allow Him to do so by subjecting it to faith .God will never disappoint you, if you place your faith in Him. By entrusting it to God, it will take offyour pressure as you believe that God’s time is the best. Those who did, always testify.
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