With Chidimnma Unaigwe
The concept of apology implies to express regret for something that one has done wrong. It can also mean to offer an explanation or excuse for some fault, insult, failure, or injury (dictionary.com) “To apologise,” in Christian scripture, comprises confession and repentance. Confession means to admit that what I did or failed to do is wrong. Repentance means that I consciously turn from that wrong and seek to do what is right.
Every individual says or does something different from another when he or she is apologising and every individual expects to hear the offender say or do a particular thing which might be totally different from what the person is saying or doing. What one person considers an apology could be different from what another considers as one. Thus, couples often miss each other in
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their efforts to apologise because of miscommunication. He could say, “I’m sorry”. And she could be thinking, “you certainly are; now, is there anything else you would like to say?’’ In that dialogue, she is waiting for an apology while he thinks he has already apologised. Typically, we learn our apology language, words and styles from our parents. Imagine this scenario. Little Chika pushes his sister, Chidinma, and she falls down the stair case. His mother says, “Chika, why did you push your sister? Now, go and tell her you are sorry.’’ Little Chika says to Chidinma, “I’m sorry.’’ When Chika is thirty-two and offends his wife, he is likely to say, “I’m sorry.’’ He is doing what his mother taught him to do and he doesn’t understand why his wife does not freely forgive him. However, his wife had a different mother who taught her to say. “I was wrong. Will you, please, forgive me?’’ And, this is what she is expecting Chika to say. In her mind “I’m sorry” does not qualify as an apology.
There are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. I draw this conclusion from the reality that all of us are human and humans sometimes do and say things that are demeaning to other people. The unloving words and actions create emotional barriers between the people involved. Those barriers do not go away with the passing of time. They are removed only when we effectively apologise and the offended party chooses to forgive.
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